Mommy Quote of the Week

"Romance can also just be breakfast over the tops of kids' heads."

~ Jennifer Garner, when asked about time for romance with her husband Ben Affleck.

I'm on Blogger Maternity Leave!

The new baby is here! So, I'm going to take a break. (No, I can't take a break from my full-time mom duties, but blogging will have to be put on hold, for at least a while.)


But don't fret! You can still get your The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly fix! Just take a peek back at my past posts, using the links to the right. And I'll be back soon with some more snarky insights and misadventures of being a full-time mom!


In the meantime, I'll be thinking of a blogger nickname to give the little guy. Any suggestions?

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Babies are such a nice way to start people."
~ Don Herrold

Return of the Diaper Bag

I had given away my old diaper bag. I didn't need it anymore, with both my kids potty-trained, and we weren't sure if we were going to have anymore kids. I didn't really liking this particular one in the first place, and I found it impractical even when I did need it. So, it was donated, along with all my other maternity and baby items, about 2 years ago.

Well, now I needed one. Baby number three is on his way, and I have nothing to carry all the miscellaneous items that comes with having a child in tow. So, after much searching, we found a simple, yet roomy and practical, bag that both Hubby and I would be comfortable holding: messenger strap, gender neutral colors, with all the pockets we needed. Man, this thing was huge! Much bigger than the cute little purse I've been toting around for the past two years! Did I really need all this room?

So I thought I test it out, making sure it could hold all we needed. But... what did we need? It had been about three years since I carried around a diaper bag, and I had totally forgotten what all goes in there. I mean, I obviously knew the diapers go in there, and the wipes... and stuff to feed the kid. But what else?

As every woman in my generation would do, I Googled "what goes in a diaper bag," and was led to several helpful websites. Here's what they all (pretty much) listed:

• Diapers (more than you think you'll need -- one for every hour you'll be out)
• Wipes
• Changing pad
• Diaper-rash cream
• 2 burp cloths
• 1 receiving blanket
• Extra sweater, shirt, pants, and pair of socks for baby
• Hat (sun hat for sunny days, knit cap for cold days)
• Baby sunscreen
• Baby bottles, depending on how long between feedings
• Formula (if you use them)
• At least one toy or book
• Baby's favorite comfort item
• 2 bibs
• Two pacifiers (if you use them)
• Plastic bags for tossing dirty diapers or wrapping up soiled clothes
• Extra shirt for you for unexpected spills
• Personal items for you like cell phone, wallet, etc.

After packing all that stuff up, the diaper bag was now curiously tiny. What happened? Where was I supposed to keep my lipstick? And how was I supposed to carry this monstrosity? It was all coming back to me... the Revenge of the Diaper Bag! I thought carrying my baby around for nine months was heavy? This thing was enormous, cumbersome, and heavy! And I had been sentenced to carry it (along with my baby, his car seat, and any other necessary gear) for the next 2 to 3 years!

Maybe that's what the last nine months of "weight-lifting" had been training me for! No wonder I had conveniently blocked this part out of my memory!

I waved goodbye to my purse. Goodbye cute little clutch, with my lipstick, compact, cell phone, and wallet. Hello, large, bulky backpack with... EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!

Mommy Quote of the Week

"The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste, or eaten within twenty-four hours."

~ Lady Hasluck

The Pregnancy Exercise Plan

A couple of years ago I wrote a post about my Mommy Exercise Plan, filled with daily parenting activities that make us moms break out in a sweat and raise our heartbeats. Whether or not they actually burn calories is debatable, but I think they should, anyway. And now that I'm pregnant, I decided to write a list especially for us expecting mommies.

We all know how important exercise is while you're pregnant. Moderate physical activity is "extremely beneficial for most expectant mothers and their babies," touts the pregnancy bible, What to Expect When You're Expecting. Exercise while pregnant can make you look and feel better, stimulate your heart and lungs, process oxygen easier, relieve some aches and pains, and help make relaxing before and during labor a lot easier.

That is, if you have the time and energy.

Well, no worries. I have come up with a feasible plan for pregnant moms to squeeze in that exercise that is so necessary for a fit pregnancy. And, guess what, you're probably doing these things already! Now, some of these may sound easy, but remember -- you are pregnant. You need to take things slowly and to keep it to low impact activities. Don't worry, though: each of these activities will make any pregnant woman's heart pound and gasp for breath.

1. Tie your shoes.
2. Apply lipstick.
3. Walk up and down the aisles at Wal-Mart.
4. Walk up the stairs in your own house.
5. Stir a pot of soup on the stove.
6. Bend down to pick up anything.
7. Get in the car and buckle your seat belt.
8. Get up to answer the phone.
9. Get up to do anything.
10. Open the back door to let the dog out.
11. Sweep the floor. Or, (for more a more advanced workout) vacuum.
12. Make your bed.

And, for the most well-trained, experienced athletes only:

*******Change the sheets on the upper bunk of a set of bunk beds.*********

I myself have performed all of the above activities and can therefore attest that they will get a pregnant woman sweating and her heart pumping! And, if they technically don't "burn calories" or "increase stamina" or any of those other supposed "benefits" of exercise, they sure wipe me out!

Did I leave any out?

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing. I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching."

~ Fran Lebowitz

You're Killing Me, Braxton Hicks!

I'm in my last month, and those contractions are coming. You know what I mean. The slightly painful but always annoying tightening of the abdomen that sometimes makes it hard to breathe. They are irregular and infrequent, and just plain irritating. What's frustrating about these guys is that these aren't the good, productive kind of contractions. These are the Heidi Montag of contractions: totally fake.

As you may know, these are called Braxton Hicks contractions. It does not mean labor is coming soon. On the contrary, it's just an "aid" to prepare my uterus for birth. I keep telling my uterus that I don't need help in that area. Instead, could my uterus help me pick out a name for the baby, or perhaps pay for a new stroller? That would be much more helpful to prepare me for birth. Needless to say, my uterus has a mind of its own, and the contractions continue.

My sister teases me and says, "Are you having the Toni Braxton contractions?" Ha ha ha. But it got me wondering: why are they called "Braxton Hicks" contractions? As it turns out, they are named after a guy. John Braxton Hicks was the English doctor who first described them as he investigated the later stages of pregnancy in the 1800's.

Grrrrrrr.... Does that sound fair to you? Some guy that's never felt a contraction in his life gets these guys named after him? Kind of annoying, isn't it? Although, an irritating annoyance is probably better named after a man than a woman, right?

So, without a role model or historical figure to sympathize with, I endure these symptoms, reassuring myself that these small irritations are just a sign that my little guy is coming soon.

Mommy Quote of the Week

"I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs."
~ Madonna

Why Gisele Bundchen Is So Annoying

I appreciate a beautiful, strong woman. But when they say stupid things that insult us plain Janes, I get annoyed. Really annoyed. Here is a collection of quotes from one of the most stuck-up moms in Hollywood, Gisele Bundchen.

On education:

"I think it's better when you're natural, when you just do whatever you want, instead of doing classes where I see all these other people holding back because they've been trained with certain skills or techniques. I'm like, whatever."

'Atta girl. Let's celebrate the education of women and a great work ethic, and congratulate the hard work of your fellow females as they work to better themselves.

On her own body during pregnancy:

"I want to have lots of children... It doesn't matter if my body changes. It is the most marvelous thing. For example, they sometimes say that your breasts begin to sag, but I couldn't care less."

Not to toot her own horn, but her pregnant body is the "most marvelous thing." Never mind us pregnant mortals who have the the swollen ankles, backaches, sudden acne, and muscle strain. Gisele's body is mah-velous... simply mah-velous.

On gaining weight during pregnancy:

"I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."

She has been quoted several times as bragging about her weight gain (or lack thereof) during her pregnancy. Every magazine I read has a quote of her touting how easy it is to stay so thin while you are pregnant. As a fellow pregnant garbage disposal, I take offense at this. It must be so easy to stay skinny... when you have a personal trainer and a nutritionist.

About giving birth:

"I gave birth in the bathtub," she claimed, referring to the Boston penthouse she shares with husband Tom Brady. Although, initial reports had suggested that her son's December 2009 birth took place at a Boston-area hospital. But, wait, it gets better...

"I wanted to be conscious and present for what was happening... I didn't want to be anesthetized. I wanted to feel."

Huh. I didn't know they gave out a Mother of the Year Award for "Able to Endure Excruciating Pain Unnecessarily." I wonder if she'd like to "feel" my labor, because I sure as Hell don't.

Again, about giving birth (and probably my favorite quote from Gisele):

"It wasn't painful, not even a little bit."

Forget Mother of the Year. Call the Pope! This one's going for sainthood!

And just in case we forgot, she has been quoted several times as saying:

"I didn't gain a lot of weight in my pregnancy."

Yeah, because we didn't hear you the first eighteen times.

And lastly, to brag even more about the glorious, pain-free, exhilarating feeling of labor:

"The next day, I was walking, I was washing dishes, I was making pancakes in the kitchen."

I hope her baby has three heads and colic.