Monday, May 31, 2010

Why Gisele Bundchen Is So Annoying

I appreciate a beautiful, strong woman. But when they say stupid things that insult us plain Janes, I get annoyed. Really annoyed. Here is a collection of quotes from one of the most stuck-up moms in Hollywood, Gisele Bundchen.

On education:
"I think it's better when you're natural, when you just do whatever you want, instead of doing classes where I see all these other people holding back because they've been trained with certain skills or techniques. I'm like, whatever."
'Atta girl. Let's celebrate the education of women and a great work ethic, and congratulate the hard work of your fellow females as they work to better themselves.

On her own body during pregnancy:
"I want to have lots of children... It doesn't matter if my body changes. It is the most marvelous thing. For example, they sometimes say that your breasts begin to sag, but I couldn't care less."
Not to toot her own horn, but her pregnant body is the "most marvelous thing." Never mind us pregnant mortals who have the the swollen ankles, backaches, sudden acne, and muscle strain. Gisele's body is mah-velous... simply mah-velous.

On gaining weight during pregnancy:
"I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."
She has been quoted several times as bragging about her weight gain (or lack thereof) during her pregnancy. Every magazine I read has a quote of her touting how easy it is to stay so thin while you are pregnant. As a fellow pregnant garbage disposal, I take offense at this. It must be so easy to stay skinny... when you have a personal trainer and a nutritionist.

About giving birth:
"I gave birth in the bathtub," she claimed, referring to the Boston penthouse she shares with husband Tom Brady. Although, initial reports had suggested that her son's December 2009 birth took place at a Boston-area hospital. But, wait, it gets better...

"I wanted to be conscious and present for what was happening... I didn't want to be anesthetized. I wanted to feel."
Huh. I didn't know they gave out a Mother of the Year Award for "Able to Endure Excruciating Pain Unnecessarily." I wonder if she'd like to "feel" my labor, because I sure as Hell don't.

Again, about giving birth (and probably my favorite quote from Gisele):
"It wasn't painful, not even a little bit."
Forget Mother of the Year. Call the Pope! This one's going for sainthood!

And just in case we forgot, she has been quoted several times as saying:
"I didn't gain a lot of weight in my pregnancy."
Yeah, because we didn't hear you the first eighteen times.

And lastly, to brag even more about the glorious, pain-free, exhilarating feeling of labor:
"The next day, I was walking, I was washing dishes, I was making pancakes in the kitchen."
I hope her baby has three heads and colic.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Mommy Quote of the Week

"It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money."

~ Elinor Goulding Smith

Monday, May 24, 2010

Let Me Check My Calendar...

Why do people think that, just because I am a full-time mom, my schedule is irrelevant? I'll admit there are days when I am simply doing housework or running errands that can be rescheduled (or put off all together), but I do have a busy, strict list of things that must get done at a certain time.

Besides getting to school every day at a certain time, Volcano also has T-Ball practice two evenings a week, plus piano lessons after school on Wednesdays. Monkey has preschool three times a week, as well as swimming on two mornings and a dance class once a week. These items are inflexible: I have paid for them, and the kids have committed to going to them. Plus, I make my own commitments for myself: helping out at the kids' schools, getting together with friends, doctors' appointments, etc.

So why do people think they can simply switch things around on me? Suddenly, it's like schedules and plans have no meaning. Volcano's T-Ball games are scattered sporadically throughout the month, like consistency doesn't even matter in my schedule. Like we have nothing better to do than drop everything and go to a T-Ball game.

I had a doctor who was constantly postponing appointments on me, changing his schedule (or vacation time, most likely) at the last minute, and expected me to blindly and obediently shift my whole life around his whims. Needless to say, I got a new doctor.

Monkey's preschool teacher tends to schedule field trips and other activities (that require a parent present for each student) at the last minute. She'll send home a note two days before some form is due or money needs to be donated for a project. We were once told one day in advance to bring a white t-shirt to school for a tie-dye project -- I had to find time to run out to Wal-Mart and buy one. And field trips are often scheduled only a week in advance, so I have to scramble to rearrange my schedule to that I can accompany them.

And then Monkey's teacher just dropped another bomb on me. Monkey has preschool on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings, with her last day of school coming up at the end of May. The teacher had originally planned to have a fun day at the park on the last day of school -- a Friday. However, Volcano also had a field trip with his class that day, already causing a conflict, because I had volunteered to chaperone. So, Hubby said he would take the day off that day, and I would go to Monkey's preschool park day while Hubby went on Volcano's field trip. (You with me so far?) Then, just a three days before, Monkey's teacher decides to change her park day and the last day of school to Thursday. What?! Monkey has swimming on Thursday, and Volcano has a first-grade choir concert that day. Plus, Hubby had already taken Friday off so Monkey and I could go on her park trip. Why does she think she can do this to me at the last minute, without consulting the parents or considering our conflicting schedules? We signed up for preschool on MWF so that we could plan other things on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I mean, already we were shifting things around on that Friday, and then she does this? I am so annoyed!

Oh, yeah, and also... I'm 8 and a half months pregnant over here! I'm kind of busy creating a person, by the way! I might go into labor at any minute... and you want me to work around your schedule? The baby's on his own schedule, and he'll come whether we're ready or not!

It's like the cable guy, saying he'll be at my house between 8 and 2... like I have nothing better to do than wait around for him. I mean, when are we going to be more considerate of other people's schedules? Just because I'm a "stay at home" mom doesn't mean I have time to stay at home all day and accompany you!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
~ Marcelene Cox

Monday, May 17, 2010

My Love / Hate Relationship with Maternity Clothes

I can't stand those elastic pants when you're pregnant -- but what else am I going to do? I have no waist anymore. All that is there is a big, round ball of skin, waiting to pop.

And maternity clothes, although relatively comfortable, are a joke. I spend hundreds of dollars on clothes I'll only wear about 6 or 7 months. And most of the time, the pickin's are slim. Why does everything inexpensive look like doctor's scrubs? Or the dreaded mumu? Ick. I don't want to look like the Duggar mom. I want to dress like myself, only pregnant. All I need is some jeans and t-shirts and sweatshirts. I mean, I don't need the fancy work clothes, and it's not like I'm going to some hip dinner or a Hollywood awards show.

Plenty of websites are preach the "recycled" maternity wardrobe. "Borrow from your friends!" they say, making it sound so easy. Well, all my friends are so far from done being pregnant, there are no more hand-me-downs. "Borrow Hubby's clothes!" they advise, in a squeaky too-cheerful voice (okay, I am just imagining that in my head). What -- do they want me to look like I'm wearing a circus tent? Puleeze... "Go on eBay or Craig's List!" Okay, I'll admit, you can get a couple things there, but you're a slave to a stranger's taste in clothes, and it's really all about dumb luck. For the life of me, I still can't find a white zip-up hooded sweatshirt in my size -- and I've been looking for MONTHS!

So, at 5 months pregnant, I walked into a Motherhood store, knowing I would have to fork out at least $200 for a couple of shirts and some pairs of pants, but out of options. I had Monkey with me, and I was just starting to show. A salesgirl approached us, in a too-polite voice, "Hi! Can I help you?"

"Just browsing," I said, starting to look at some clothes in my size.

She watched me for a second, and then asked, still smiling fakely, "Did you need help with sizing?"

"No," I told her, trying to stay polite. "This is my third child, so I remember how it works."

She stayed with us still, and continued to watch us. "So, you know that you're supposed to look for clothes in your pre-pregnancy size?"

"Yes," I said, starting to get annoyed. "It's been 5 years, but not much has changed."

"Well," she informed me, full of authority. "Styles have changed. You probably want to update your style. We have some things in your size over here..."

"I'm just interested in the basics," I told her, really annoyed now. "And this is my size." I was beginning to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Didn't she want me to spend money in her store? We finally walked out, not spending a dime.

I realized I was better off online. I ended up going to Old Navy, Ross, and Kohl's. No salespeople, and decent prices. Sheesh... like shopping for maternity clothes is already soooooo easy, let's throw in a snobby salesgirl (who's probably never been pregnant) to aggravate the situation.

And guess what? I was right about my size!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife."
~ Queen Victoria

Monday, May 10, 2010

Shop 'Til I Drop

After reading this post from the blog "She Just Had to Say It", I had to reflect on my own shopping habits. Unlike Soliloquoy, I love to shop. Grocery shopping, gift shopping, clothing shopping... you name it. If I have to buy it, I love shopping for it.

However, times have changed, and so has my shopping. First of all, I used to go shopping with my mom and my sisters every Saturday. We'd go to our favorite mall, linger in and out of stores, and chit-chatted while we browsed the racks. We would spend hours trying on clothes, make-up, shoes, and accessories. Often we'd throw in a mani-pedi into the day, and we'd always go out to lunch in the process.

Since then, I've moved out of state from my mom and my sisters. And I rarely go shopping for myself. Who has the time or money? Now I have to buy kids' clothes, school supplies, and groceries. Add in the upcoming birth of the baby, and you add in diapers, formula, burp cloths, and baby supplies.

And gone are the days of the mani-pedi. Instead, I have Play-Doh in my fingernails and my toes are hidden in sneakers.

If on the rare occasion I have the opportunity to shop for myself (due to the occasional much-appreciated gift card for my birthday), I have to sneak it in between school drop-off and pick-up times. With travel time and parking, that gives me maybe an hour of free time all to myself to grab as much as I can and frantically search for things that I like. Or, the alternative (which is a lot more frightening), is that I have to take one (or both -- SHUDDER) of the kids with me.

So forget about trying things on. Whether the kids are with me or not, I don't have time to use the dressing room. If the kids are with me, the boredom hits, and the whining and complaining starts. If I'm not shopping for them, they soon lose interest, and I'm a dead woman. But even if I'm by myself, I don't have the time or energy to try on clothes. So, either way, what I end up doing is grabbing as much as I can, buying it, and taking it home to try on. Then I can return anything that doesn't fit me or that I don't like.

This creates a ... let's say... "interesting" or "lively" discussion with Hubby. He grabs the receipt, shouts out the total dollar amount in disbelief, and then asks, "Do you really need four black sweaters?!" To which I have to (again) explain my shopping strategy, as well as my possible need for four black sweaters (one heavy one for Winter, one light one for Spring, one button down, one pullover...) To which Hubby reminds me that he is not made of money and that I have plenty of clothes to wear. And didn't I just go shopping within the last decade?

In the end, about 95% of the things I buy are taken back to the store, with a polite, embarrassed smile from me and a wincing sneer from the cashier, as she credits back my debit card with almost the full amount.

Unless they tell me I can only get store credit. In that case, I start looking around the store again...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mommy Quote of the Week

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
~ Author Unknown

Monday, May 3, 2010

Walking Around in My Swollen Shoes

Okay, not to advertise for State Farm or anything, but I just love this new dad-to-be. So in honor of Mother's Day this Sunday, I thought I'd post this.