Monday, September 28, 2009

Day in the Life of a Suburban Housewife

There is explicit language in this, but it's so worth it if you can get the kids out of the room for a few minutes...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Mommy Quote of the Week

"When it comes to housework the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why."
-- Katharine Whitehorn

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Love the Smell of Soccer in the Morning

It's been a long time since I've written about the trials and tribulations of being a soccer mom. There's something quite unique about being a parent of a child that is participating on a sports team. Moms and dads who have not yet experienced the stresses of yanking on shin guards, yelling at your kids to hurry up, all while holding your coffee mug so you don't spill a drop have no idea about the exhilaration of getting to the game on time, smelling the grass, and hearing the obnoxious cheers of parents as they verbally lead their kids down the field.

I confess, that last one would be me.

I try to keep quiet at games, let the coach do his job, but I get so involved in the game that I can't seem to help myself from screaming when a little black and white checked ball approaches a big, white net. Again, holding tight to my Starbucks cup, I manage to jump up and down, practically shrieking for Volcano to "Kick it kick it kick it KICK IT!!" Even to myself I sound annoying, so imagine how I must sound to the surrounding spectators. Although, I do notice I'm not the only one screaming. Hopefully I blend into the crowd of insane fans on the sidelines.

I have heard some pretty outrageous "cheering" from my standpoint. Volcano's team, wearing green, was barreling down the field. One dad from the opposing team yelled, "Throw an elbow! Steal the ball!" Nice. Great way to teach sportsmanship and fair play.

One mother (again from the opposing side), yelled, "Get him, Connor! GET HIM!" Shouldn't she be yelling at Connor to "Get it"? It meaning the ball? We're here to play soccer, kicking the ball into the net, right? This isn't a personal vendetta against little boys in green jerseys.

When another boy missed a goal, allowing the other team to score, one mom yelled to her son, "You should've gotten that! That was yours!" Wow. Way to make the kid feel better. Did he really need that bit of constructive criticism, right then and there?

Just this past weekend I heard a coach yell, "Shake it off! Toughen up!" to one of his players. The little boy had been accidentally kicked in the groin., and he clutched his family jewels, fighting back tears. And that was the best the coach could do to comfort the 6-year-old? I wondered if I should go over there and kick him in his "soccer balls"; see how he feels? As the tears stream down his face, I would tell him to "Toughen up!" (Don't worry... I didn't.)

I knew my son's coach was the best when Volcano (who I believe I've told you is not the most aggressive, competitive athlete out there) was standing on the sidelines, just watching the game in front of him progress with limited interest and extreme caution. During this certain play, I watched (with much frustration, I will admit) as Volcano bounced around the group, never approaching the ball. "Get in there!" I yelled from the sidelines. "C'mon! Get in there!"

The other team scored, and I sighed in exasperation. Then I heard Volcano's coach cheer him on in a way I should have. "Way to stay open, buddy! Good job!"

Way to stay open. Was that what Volcano was doing? Probably not. But it was a great way for the coach to support his player's decision to observe rather than participate at that moment.

Way to stay open. What great advice. What a great perspective. What a great lesson for me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother."
-- Beverly Jones

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hubby's Parking Lot Provocation

Hubby and I were in a parking lot of a video rental store when we saw a car pulling out of a parking space. Hubby put on his light signal and waited for the car to exit. Suddenly, as the other car pulled out, a large pickup truck veered into the lot and right into the space we were waiting for.

Hubby was furious. He began honking his horn and yelling at the other guy, “Hey, that was my spot! Didn’t you see my signal?! What’s the matter with you?!”

We soon found another spot and got out of the car, Hubby still shaking his head. As we headed into the video store, we met up with the parking spot thief in the pickup truck.

For once, I was quiet. But Hubby just couldn’t help himself. “Hey, buddy,” he began calmly. “Did you see me waiting for that spot?”

“My parking spot?” the man asked, feigning confusion. He seemed surprised that he was being confronted about a parking spot. Frankly, I was surprised too. Hubby usually watched me confront other people, and here we were with the roles reversed. I had never seen him get so upset, when I was cool as a cucumber.

“Uh, yeah,” Hubby responded sarcastically, gesturing to the man’s truck. “I had my signal on. I know you saw me.”

“Oh, dude,” the man scrambled. “Jeese, sorry, man. You want me to move my truck? I could move it and you could park there.”

This was surprisingly generous. But Hubby was still upset. “Whatever, man. Just… just go get your movie.”

“No, dude, really –“

“Just go get your movie,” Hubby said again, firmer this time, barely looking at the guy. He pulled my arm and we walked swiftly into the video store, leaving the other guy standing there, speechless.

I tried not to laugh, but I found the situation so funny. I had dated a lot of guys in the past (a long, long time ago) that would've been yelling, threatening, or even coming to blows. But that was as heated as Hubby got. He didn’t yell, he didn’t hit someone. He simply shook his head and said, “Just go get your movie.”

And for years to come, even to this day, I tell that story at family gatherings, demonstrating how calm and collected Hubby gets. As opposed to me firing off at the littlest thing.

Now, whenever anyone in our family gets upset, to this day, we say, “Just go get your movie.” And it makes us all laugh.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mommy Quote of the Week

"The best academy....a mother's knee."
-- James Lowell

Monday, September 7, 2009

Random Act of Bad Parenting... from a Stranger

It seems like I'm not the only poor mother who has to deal with strangers telling me how to be a mom. Although, I have to admit, I don't think any of the stories on my blog can beat this one.

According to recent reports, a little 2-year-old girl and her mother were shopping at a neighborhood Walmart in Georgia when the toddler began crying. That was when 61-year-old Roger Stephens decided to take matters into his own hands. He approached the mother and threatened, "If you don't shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you." He then grabbed the 2-year-old and slapped her four times.

This caused the toddler, her face now red from the force of the beating, to begin screaming as the mother stood in shock. Rogers just said in response, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Police were called, and the man was arrested. He has been charged with felony cruelty. The little girl, however, is fine, resting at home with relatives.

I was shocked and saddened to read this article. I (as you know) have had my share of confrontations involving random people approaching me about disciplining my children. But no one has ever dared laid a hand on them. Maybe my fierce comebacks or annoyed looks scare them off. Who knows? Even I may have stood there in disbelief if this jerk had tried this with me.

I am just thankful my confrontations have never come to this sort of fierce face-off. Otherwise, I would have smacked that man so hard back, I'd be facing criminal charges!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Mommy Quote of the Week

"I am not allowed to sing, dance, laugh or wear short skirts. Having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban."
-- Kathy Lette