Touch My Belly, Lose a Hand

Being pregnant for the third time has made me ready for the idiots. You know who I mean. The rude, insensitive, stupid people who ask the dumb questions or say the most idiotic things. And then they try to touch me. Since when did this belly become public property?! Would it be acceptable for me to ask about your day while I grabbed your boob? (And if it is, please stay far away from me in the future.) (Perv.)

The most common questions and comments I'm getting are about the shock most people have of me having a third child. It's like it's the most ridiculous idea anyone has ever heard of. I have a boy and a girl already -- why on earth would I want to destroy the cosmic symmetry of the perfect family?! I am insane, right? Who in their right mind would have more than two children to create the nuclear family? (Freak.)

Well, there's also the distance in the kids' ages, so the obvious question I'm getting is "Was it planned?" Volcano will be 7 1/2 when the baby's born and Monkey will be 5 1/2, so everyone is assuming this baby is a "mistake" or a "surprise." Or, the ever-so-cutsie "Oops Baby." Ha ha. When asked, "Was it planned?" I can't help but wonder what kind of pervert wants to imagine the process my husband and I might have gone through to make a baby. C'mon, folks. You know how it works. The birds and the bees and all that. Do you really want to imagine what Hubby and I did to conceive? Or the kind of birth control I used (or in this case, did not use)? Do you really want to know if we sat down and talked about it or if we were caught up in the moment? And who cares if it was planned or not? I'm happy, Hubby's happy, and we are two married adults who are financially and emotionally ready to take on a third child. So what do you care? (Sicko.)

But I have also gotten some really strange questions, which aren't just rude but almost bizarre:

Are you going to nurse, or bottle-feed? Why do you care? You're not eating it.

Are you going to have a vaginal birth or a cesarean? There's just something wrong with using the word "vaginal" in casual conversation on an elementary school playground. Again, what pervert wants this mental picture?

Are you sure you can handle a third? (Or similar comments, like: Now you'll be outnumbered! etc.) Usually this comes from someone who cannot handle their own children. And -- guess what? Whenever Hubby's at work, I'm already outnumbered.

Then come the questions and comments about my weight gain. Since when is this appropriate conversation? I say, if you can talk about my expanding belly, I can talk about yours. If we're talking about our weight, than anything goes -- including me telling you how fat your a$$ looks in those jeans. I was patted on the belly (DON'T TOUCH!!!) by Monkey's preschool teacher at 3 months and told, "Ooh, you're starting to show!" I was told at church by some random lady that it "Looks like your expecting something." A mom at Volcano's school told me, "Wow! I just noticed how much you're growing." And one mother was so please to announce that I had brought my "pooch" with me that day. What exactly is the purpose of these comments? Surely not to make me feel good. (Weirdo.)

Here is the doozy. A friend of mine had just lost about 40 pounds, and I was telling him how great he looked. "Yeah," he said. "I've been running 3 miles a day and watching what I eat." As I had just finished congratulating him on his hard work, he said, "So... I've been getting skinny, but it looks like you've put on some weight."

"Yeah, uh... That's what happens when women get pregnant," I sneered sarcastically.

"Oh," he laughed. "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

(Degenerate Jacka$$.)

No wonder pregnant women are notoriously grumpy.