What Do I Do Now?

I have a parenting dilemma.

I am starting to plan Volcano and Monkey's joint birthday party. They share a birthday party because their birthdays are a week apart from each other. Plus, Volcano and Monkey like each other's friends, it cuts the costs down, and it's usually a lot more fun and less stressful than trying to do them separately.

One evening, Volcano asked me, "So, at our birthday party, are you going to have your friends there, too?"

I shrugged. "Well, my friends are mostly the mommies of your friends, so... yeah -- I'll have my friends there."

"So you're going to invite Jenna, then, right?" Volcano asked.

I almost automatically said yes, when I began to think carefully about his question. Jenna is one of my closest friends, and we often get the kids together to play. She only has one daughter, Sarah, who is Volcano's age, but I always bring Monkey along to play too. Sarah usually avoids playing with Monkey, who is almost 3 years younger, and she delibrately leaves her out of their play activities. Admittedly, Sarah almost always ends up picking on Monkey, and has hit her, pushed her, and kicked her every time we've gotten them together. Because of this, I have eliminated the play dates, and it has recently just been Jenna and I getting together for dinner and drinks in the evenings without the kids.

But the birthday party is at a public place, not our home. I reserved a party room at an indoor playplace in our neighborhood, so the kids can play freely and then join us for cake towards the end. I was actually planning on inviting Sarah because I figured the kids could play wherever they liked, and I could watch Monkey and make sure she stayed away from her.

But now that Volcano is asking me this, I reconsider. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just that..." he shuffles his feet. "I know that Jenna is your friend. And Sarah is my friend..." He looks up at me and whispers. "But she can be really mean. Especially to the Monkey. I don't think Sarah should come to my party."

I swallow, hard. He's right. What am I doing? Putting my comfort before the safety and well-being of Monkey? Here is my son, not yet 5 years old, and he's thinking of sacrificing one of his friends in order to keep Monkey safe. I had to learn about family unity from my own son.

So here's my dilemma: what do I do? How do I tell Jenna that Sarah isn't invited to the kids' birthday party, when she surely assumes she will be? I want to keep Jenna as a friend, but I don't want Sarah there. Volcano specifically said he doesn't want her there in order to keep Monkey safe. How do I tell Jenna without losing her friendship? Or do I, too, have to sacrifice her as a friend?

If I've Told You Once I've Told You a Million Times...

Mommy Quote of the Week

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
-- Fran Lebowitz

The Struggle of the Soccer Mom

Hubby asked me the other day as we are driving the kids home from Volcano's soccer practice, "Why do you even come?"

Good question.

I have single-handedly turned the whole soccer deal into a drama-filled night of emotional ups and downs. And those are my emotions I am talking about -- everyone else is fine. Volcano is having a blast running after the ball, palling around with his friends, and working up a sweat. Hubby loves watching the drills, and he often assists the coach with a game or two. Monkey loves sitting with me on the sidelines, eating the numerous apple slices and cheese sticks I have packed to keep her entertained.

Me, on the other hand... I am on an emotional roller coaster. Often times, I am proud to watch Volcano improve his skills, giving his best effort and having a great time. I laugh when he and all the other 4-year-olds run out of bounds like a bunch of grapes stuck on the vine, chasing the ball without knowing what to do once they get it. And I even cheer when a child -- any child -- makes a goal (which is rare). But there are those times where I am sitting in my fold-up chair, with Monkey squished beside me, that I sit there seething, silently annoyed at a certain other parent.

Jeannie is the typical Hypercompetitive Mom, with a dash of the Self-Proclaimed Expert mixed in for good measure. Her husband coaches soccer for the 9 and 10 year-olds, so obviously her 4-year-old son Braden has played before. He knows how to steal the ball, stop it, dribble it, and kick it into the goal. However, what Braden still hasn't mastered is passing the ball -- sharing it with a fellow teammate. And what is annoying, maddening really, is that Jeannie doesn't tell her son to share, but cheers loudly each and every time he makes a fricken' goal. Every. Single. Time. Which, you have to realize, is a lot of times. He has become a Ball Hog, and his mother is overjoyed. I, on the other hand, am pissed.

Like I said, Braden is admittedly a good soccer player. It is obvious. All the other kids run after the ball like a pack of wolves after a steak dinner -- no plan, no direction, just hunger... hunger to let their foot make some kind of contact with the ball. But Braden has a plan. He steals the ball, dribbles it down the field, and scores. Consistently. I actually prefer my son is on the opposite team than on the same team as Braden: Volcano's score may be lower, but at least he has a chance of touching the ball.

Now, this doesn't mean Jeannie lets Braden's actions speak for themselves. Oh no! She has to make sure we all know that "Braden has been playing soccer since he was a baby," and that "He came out of the womb kicking" (hahaha) and that "He knows what he's doing -- his dad coaches soccer."

ARGH!! I want to scream at her, "WE KNOW! WE'RE SITTING RIGHT HERE! WE HAVE EYES! BRADEN IS GOOD AND MY KID SUCKS -- ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! NOW SHUT THE &%$# UP SO I CAN WATCH MY KID PICK GRASS, ALRIGHT?!"

Instead I just sit there, feeding Monkey grapes and cheering Volcano on. And I try desperately to ignore Jeannie. Inside I am fuming, and I can't wait to let it all out on the ride home. Every time practice ends, I slam the car door shut, and I start to rant, "Jeannie was at it again! Why can't she just keep her mouth shut?! I seriously am going to lose it if I have to hear one more time about what a brilliant soccer star her son is! Like there's not enough hype with the Beckhams in L.A., we have to hear about her son and what a wonderful soccer player he is!"

So Hubby, after listening patiently, finally asked me, "Why do you even come? It seems to upset you every time."

I thought silently for a bit. Why do I go? Hubby could take care of Volcano without me, and Monkey and I could just hang out at home.

But, I realized, I like going. Monkey and I have fun watching, munching on snacks, and I like talking with (most of) the other parents. Plus, Volcano waves to me from the field, and shouts, "Hey, Mommy!" And when he finally does kick the ball, he runs over to us and gives us a big hug. "I did it!" he shouts. Also, it's become a tradition that we all go out for ice cream afterwards -- win or lose. Now... why would I want to miss all of that?

So, it looks like I have to tolerate Jeannie for a couple hours a week, all in the name of supporting my son. But that means that Hubby has to allow me to rant once a week as well. Or I might have to tear Jeannie's head off with my bare hands so she would just SHUT UP!

How To Deal With Rude Parents

In an article titled Totally Rude Parents by Reshma Memon Yaqub, a list of common mommy annoyances are categorized into different types of moms. Do any of these sound familiar?

The Perp: The Hypercompetitive Mom

Warning Signs: constant bragging, loves to hear herself talk, more concerned about telling everyone about child's latest accomplishment than whether or not anyone cares.

How to Deal: Give her a quick compliment, than excuse yourself to talk to someone else. Don't get yourself involved in the conversation, or it will just turn into a contest of one-upmanship. Save your own bragging for the grandparents.

The Perp: The Self-Proclaimed Expert

Warning Signs: Endless opinions about what you should be doing with your child and how you should be doing it. "Someday this woman is going to drive her daughter-in-law into therapy," Yaqub muses.

How to Deal: Don't explain yourself. Just smile politely and thank her for her concern. In the case of a long-term friendship, "you'll have to politely explain that your family has its own way of doing things and that her repeated intrusions are unwelcome."

The Perp: The Selfish Mom

Warning Signs: No child exists but her own, and her child is always in the right. Pushing her own child up front so she can see better (even if it means stepping in front of everyone else) is something the Selfish Mom would do.

How to Deal: Avoid the temptation to be nasty, and ask politely to insure your child gets what she deserves as well. Or just move to another area so you're not disturbed.

The Perp: The Bad Influence

Warning Signs: Your child loves going over to Bad Influence Mom's house because she lets the kids eat candy by the pound and watch PG-13 movies -- even though you've asked her not to.

How to Deal: "Without judging, make one last attempt to explain to this mom why you set your rules and how important they are to you," says Adam Wasson, author of Eats, Poops, and Leaves. If nothing changes after your chat, you have two choices: Make your house the "fun" house (best snacks, coolest G-rated activities) where the kids want to hang out, or relegate this friendship to in-school hours only.

The Perp: The Wimp

Warning Signs: Lets her child get away with everything because she can't or won't stand up to him, ignores rules, pretends not to notice her child's misbehavior to avoid conflict, enjoys being the laid-back mom who is her child's best friend instead of a disciplinarian.

How to Deal: Enlist her child's cooperation, which may mean stepping in and giving your own polite reminders. Ultimately, limit playdates with this mom: it may only frustrate your own child to watch someone else break rules he is required to follow.

The Perp: The Thoughtless Mom

Warning Signs: A lot like Selfish Mom, shows up late for playgroups, changes her daughter on your dining room table, then throws the diaper in your kitchen trash can. "This mom is more oblivious than rude -- she's too overwhelmed or self-involved to realize how her behavior affects others," Yaqub explains.

How to Deal: Coping with this mom requires a combination of backbone and funny bone. You need to set boundaries and protect your turf -- be it your time or furniture. "During a playdate, a parent started changing a dirty diaper on my coffee table next to the food!" recalls Wasson. "I swooped in with a big smile and said, 'Oh, look, we have a changing table right over here!' I almost grabbed the half-naked baby." Keep your tone apologetic and hospitable, like you know she would have done the right thing if she only knew where the changing table was. And you can cure recurring lateness by still ending playdates on time. This will remind Thoughtless Mom that she cuts her own child's play time by showing up late.

Time to Review!

Something has come up...

... so The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly will be taking the week off.



Please take this time to browse through my past posts. Or visit my posts about married life at How to Get the Guy.

Mommy Quote of the Week

"I call my mom now and say, 'You know all the dinners you made that I said No to and went off and ate peanut butter? I'm sorry. I get it. I slaved over roasting this, and [my daughter] Violet goes, No, no, no!'"

-- Jennifer Garner

Dinner Table Topics

Set the table! It's time for another Dinner Table Topics, a set of interesting news items that can inspire a lively discussion at dinner.

NEWS FLASH: Children who play sports are healthier and get more exercise! Well, duh. However, the chances of injury are greater in young children. Here are some factors to consider:

1. Growing bones, muscles, ligaments and tendons are more susceptible to injury than those of adults.
2. Growth plates leave weak areas exposed that can cause long-term damage.
3. Children in the same age group may vary greatly in size and ability, which can lead to injuries in contact sports.
4. Competitive children may try to push themselves to play longer and harder than their bodies can physically handle.

On another note, a recent study found that a child's fear of new foods may be hereditary. Dr. Lucy J. Cooke of University College London and her colleagues found that nearly 80 percent of children's tendency to avoid unfamiliar foods was inherited. However, the more frequently children are offered a particular food, the more likely they are to come to like it. So get over your hang-ups and food fears, or it could rub off on your kids.


Lastly, it looks like the new baby shower gift could be a personalized website. It seems that as parents are leaving the hospital with their baby and their birth certificate, they are also insuring their new arrival has his or her very own domain name. "One of the criteria was, if we liked the name, the domain had to be available," one parent said. As if the selection of your child's name isn't difficult enough. (I'll have to see if volcano.com or monkey.org are available.)

Now... talk amongst yourselves!

Mommy Quote of the Week

"If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent." -- Bette Davis

The List

Hubby and I were recently discussing an old episode of Friends where the gang creates their "Freebie List." This is a list of five celebrities you are "allowed" to sleep with without getting your significant other upset. In other words, it's a celebrity you can get the warm fuzzies for and your spouse can't get jealous. And no one is allowed to judge you on your choices, because everyone has a little secret crush on a celebrity that others may not agree with.

This list, of course, has changed throughout the past eleven years since this episode first aired. But... I will reveal mine for now (in no particular order):

1. Ashton Kutcher
2. Maksim Chmerkovskiy
3. Ben Affleck
4. Ryan Gosling
5. John Krasinski

Okay, so now that I have humiliated myself and revealed my list, you just have to tell me yours. So, if you are reading this now, consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment with your list, or write about it on your blog and I'll link to it here. And be honest. Remember... no judgement!