Unlike the unfortunate hyphenated last names worn by poor, unsuspecting brides (found on my post on How to Get the Guy), baby names are actually chosen by their parents. They are not the result of circumstance, the victims of Cupid's sense of humor. Instead, parents have had to sit down and think about how to ruin their child's lives.
A couple in Sweden is currently fighting to name their baby "Metallica." A New Zealand couple actually named their son "Superman." And, according to a recent news report, a Chinese couple tried to name their child "@."
There is also an urban legend that reports that a couple named their baby "Yahoo," but this turned out to be false. Yet, the story was believable. Considering all the baby names we've heard in the press lately, it would make sense. The blog Bad Baby Names is dedicated to the subject, as well as a forum for discussion on Not Without My Handbag.*
Celebrities, it seems, are in the business of out-doing each other, and their baby's name becomes a victim of their quest for dominance. The cable channel VH1 even aired a special called Awesomely, Wacky Celebrity Baby Names to celebrate this phenomenon. Here are a few that make Gwyneth's "Apple" look like child's play:
Singer Toni Braxton named one of her children "Denim" and the other "Diezel." Don't these sound like great clothing lines?
Rapper Lil'Mo named her daughter "God'iss Love Stone," and her sister "Heaven." Will this make their diapers smell better?
Singer Jermaine Jackson named his child "Jermajesty." I guess he wanted his namesake to sound more royal.
Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and his porn star wife Deven Davis named their son "Pirate." Is he a Johnny Depp fan, perhaps?
Robert Rodriguez and his wife named their kids "Racer," "Rocket," "Rogue," and "Rebel." They do all sound good with "Rodriguez," but they're just begging for misbehavior.
My personal favorite (for being the worst) is actor Jason Lee's son "Pilot Inspektor." Where did he come up with that?
And lastly, Live Aid founder Bob Geldof & UK TV personality Paula Yates named their child "Fifi Trixibell" and her siblings "Peaches Honeyblossom" and "Pixie."
Wait. Come to think of it, that last one's not so bad.
*Also see the blog Celebrity Baby Names. (I love the post about baby Suri Cruise!) If you know of or have a blog about bad baby names, let me know and I'll link to it here!